Too much...

The last few days have been tough. Saturday I came home from the trail work very tired. After inhaling my supper of chicken, peas, and corn, I suddenly was hit with cramping through my whole body. I had been drinking lots of liquids and milk. After a bath, I lay down and fell asleep. About 10pm I awakened but was so dizzy I couldn't get up. I was still thirsty but couldn't make it to the kitchen. SO I went back to sleep and hoped for the best. After that, I was dizzy and nauseated for 3 days. All my muscles are sore with the exception of my legs. My bowel routine is upset. And I am weak. Only today did i get back out to work on the trail again. Little by little, I am recovering.

The needs of the many...

Today I went out to help with the trail building and had a really good morning in the cool air. I was still undecided about my future employment but was looking for the last piece of information to make the decision come into focus. Then I got back home and flipped on the television to see the Star Trek movie where Spock dies. It is one of my favorite movie scenes. The moment I saw the movie title I remembered that line. Truly the needs of the many have influenced my decision. The many I work with. My family. My own schedule of riding and things I enjoy. So even though I may have regrets for staying, I'd probably have more regrets for leaving. So there it is.

Effing the Ineffable

"We shall grapple with the ineffable, and see if we may not eff it after all." — Douglas Adams

"I'm in the business of effing the ineffable." — Alan Watts

Right now I have a quandry. I have in my hand an incredible offer from Walgreen and also have CVMC promising that the issues with the construction will not be a problem again. I also expect an offer from Citizen's Hospital within the next few days for another 7 on 7 off hospital shift. I expected to hear from them sooner. Leanne called early this week and told me that I would hear from them that afternoon. So right now I almost have my choice of jobs. I had a couple of reasons for speaking with Amy today. First, I wanted to clear up any misidentification by those who thought I swore at Carla Weathers. I didn't. Second, I felt I failed to bring attention to bear on the problem and that my gesture was wasted. I felt like the reports to those agencies was responsible for the action. Not me. Not my email.

So here's what I believe.

I think what got things moving was the reporting. I think we may not have a repeat because more reports may follow. I think they want me to stay because of what I can do but they would prefer that I just leave. (Just because you are necessary doesn't mean you are important) But none of this is a surprise to me.

So what to do:

That is the ineffable. If I leave, it produces a cascade of change that affects everyone in the family and my work colleagues. I leave the work colleagues in a lurch that may take months to rectify if ever. I would have to find a whole new balance for all my spare times, riding, friends, tandeming, David and Max... the list goes on and on. So the quality of my living, the part that can't be sumarized in a page, the relationship with everyone, all may decline. Thus the ineffable.