Strategy evaluations....

Bill Watterson
This is about as clear as I can find. All that wondering what should have been or shouldn't. No explanation of why it happens or where it comes from but there obviously isn't someone to "blame".

Here is a puzzle: Identical twins growing up together have the same genes, family environments, and peer groups, but the correlations in their traits are only around 50 percent. Ergo, neither genes nor families nor peer groups, nor the interactions among these factors, can explain what makes them different. Researchers have hunted for other possible causes, such as sibling rivalry or differential treatment by parents, but none has panned out. As with Bob Dylan's Mister Jones, something is happening here but we don't know what it is. My own hunch is that the differences come largely from chance events in development.
Stephen Pinker

Tomorrow is my birthday...

Bev tells me that the children are coming to the house for lunch because of my birthday. This is a surprise. It may simply be part of those feelings I've had trouble coping with but I haven't felt like my life has meant very much. It has been a point of ironic humor that my nickname is "diddlee". My own diagnosis of my problem calls for me to attempt to be positive, confident, and heroic as I attempt to remedy my emotional state. I have faced a world of disappointment over the past 6 years. It is time to let it go and move forward. Past time. There is wonder left to find in the future. There is no way to know what is waiting ahead. Now is all I have. I have to stop wasting it.

Joe called to wish me well but when he called I was occupied in the bathroom and missed it. Maybe he can call back tomorrow night. He had called the house first and spoken with Bev. I really appreciate the friendship I have with him. Of all the cousins, he is the best guy to spend time with.

Mid-life crisis...

I think I have found out what is going on with me lately. I must be having the old fashioned mid-life crisis. I read over some descriptions in Psychology Today and it fit right down to the ground. Funny thing is I am feeling all these things and I didn't know where it was coming from or why. These pointers included some others which included losing weight, exercise and getting checkups. I think I have those covered. Among these others, they are long on what but short on how. But some of them hit close to what my intuition was telling me. Living in the moment is essential. Books and music are therapeutic.

• Reduce stress and worry. Stress is a major source of trouble for men in midlife. Reduce stress by living life in the present, letting go of control, dealing with negative emotions and learning to prepare for what is expected and unexpected.
• Embrace a sexuality appropriate to the second half of life. Young men are often focused on a kind of sexuality that is based on immediate attraction to people. In the second half of life, sexuality expands to include more emphasis on friendship, love, intimacy and spirituality.
• Take on new challenges. To keep a supply of freshness and excitement in your life consider going back to school, writing a book or a song or learning a brand new hobby.
• Change the scenery occasionally. A change of scenery improves one’s spirit even if only for short periods of time. Attend an out-of-state conference, plan weekends of camping or boating, visit the ocean, hike in the mountains.
• Rest and leisure are important. A balance of work and relaxation is critical to one’s physical and emotional well-being.
• Talk more freely about you midlife anxieties. Have conversations with those you’re closest to about issues troubling you. While most men are unwilling to share with their wives or significant other what they really feel, over time, such conversations increase one’s understanding and love for each other. So take a risk and open up!
• Care for yourself psychologically. Music and books play significant roles in helping you relax, reduce stress or express yourself.

Finding a balance point...

I was reading on the NPR website and found a few essays that echoed my experience. One of them contained the "50% Theory". It has been observed that we easily cling to that which supports our own beliefs so I don't want to make that error here, but without straying too far into positivism I can see how one can remain optimistic with a creed like this one yet remain sufficiently pragmatic so one can meet adversity realistically.

He wrote:

I believe in the 50-percent theory. Half the time things are better than normal; the other half, they are worse. I believe life is a pendulum swing. It takes time and experience to understand what normal is, and that gives me the perspective to deal with the surprises of the future. Steve Porter

Understanding what normal is! I can say that I still don't know what normal is. I can say that it is very different from what is was even a few years ago and radically different from what it was in my youth. That difference is in large part due to my education, or lack thereof, than anything else. The view of the world and my place in it put restrictions on my thinking so that I excluded many truths. Many truths have been revealed for the first time in recent years. As time goes on, you get a clearer picture of what "is" and see ever more clearly how ignorant we are. The best lesson isn't finding the right answers for what we once knew to be true and now realize we were hopelessly wrong. The best knowledge comes from seeing how we were fooled or self-deluded and learning logical steps to keep our minds on the right path to knowledge. It is better to have no answer than to have a false one or an answer that can't be supported by fact. We all should have a skeptical side and cultivate a scientific discipline with respect to everything.

But the non-rational part of our lives where we love and hope and feel and dream shouldn't be destroyed by the vagaries of life. Despair isn't a terminal slope, it is a sine wave. It rises and falls. Something to be endured like a rainstorm. And when sadness gives way to joy, regard it for the precious, temporary condition it is. It too will rise and fall. We might ask ourselves, "How bad does this get?" when facing some grim future. Even those balance points aren't static. There remains a hope that indeed things will cycle around to better times, and back to worse, and better...until our end. And to complicate this, not all life aspects are on the same rhythm. That may be the best balancing act of all. Finding a way to keep all the cycles from bottoming at the same time. It seems like it would help to have lots of objects in the air if you are to be a juggler in life's circus.

Riding to Paris...

I don't think this would be a very interesting goal after thinking about it. I am not motivated by numbers. Lots of folks ride 99 miles and just have to do another mile so they can say they have ridden a century but not me. A better goal might be to see if I can get in a ride every day rather than keeping up with how far I am riding. I don't really see myself getting worked up over time trials either. I just don't care how long it takes. If I am to improve my strength and endurance, I simply must put in more quality riding. I'll have to balance that against my day to day life, obligations, work, kids, grand-kids, home....everything. I also have to avoid overdoing it and breaking my strength down rather than building myself up. I think I am doing enough right now but could improve the quality of the time. That might actually be a better goal. But when riding tandem, I have to stay within Bev's limits.

Writing a book...

I think I might have an idea. Who knows how you go about writing a book so I suppose I'll just begin the process and see where it goes. The working title will be "If Only". I will write about a second chance. Immortality seems like a boring droll condition to me. That is a notion I will explore in the book. There is also the notion that we are not the selves that lived out past even though we remember it as such. But writing may be a big sacrifice of time for me. Right now my time is dominated by everyone else and my possessions. I don't know how I will find the time.

Thank goodness I feel better today. There remains a little of the tiredness and sickness but it is manageable. I would really like to get up tomorrow and ride the bike a little while but it would be difficult to get out in the cold morning. I also have David's bed in the back of the truck. I need to take Nikki's TV over along with the other Christmas goodies. Maybe Thursday. In some sense I wish I had someone to talk too but in another, I really have nothing to say. I read a quote from Rocky Balboa tonight:

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very rough, mean place, and no matter how tough you think you are, it'll always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently, if you let it. You or nobody ain't never gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.

I would add that life brings you to your knees, then kills you. There is no escape. Also, none of that is personal or intended in the sense that we are made to suffer by some sadistic monster. We are just participants in life where it truly is "dog eat dog". Every other organism is simply trying to preserve its own life even at the expense of our own.

Possible Resolutions...

1. Write a book
2. Ride 4,489 miles (distance from Sylacauga to Paris)
   
3. Backpack the Pinhoti (invite Kentucky group)
   
4. Learn to play guitar
   
5. Change jobs
6. Get muscular (to match slimmer body)
7. Resume Karate studies/Tai Chi
   
8. Stretching