Backup plan...

Bev suggested that I simply relocate all the existing shelves rather than go in for the elaborate building process. It would save some labor and expense. Although I had made a plan to go ahead and do it the hard way, I think I've reconsidered and will attempt to just relocate all those items. It would leave me having to move the existing work bench and add a 5 foot section to it along with some shelves.

We received confirmation of our registration for the Katy Trail Ride. That will be our big ride for the year. I think Bev is looking forward to it. Sometime between now and then I need to let her try out our sleeping arrangements for the trip. It would be bad to get out there and find out we don't like the tent or mattresses. I don't know if I should take the backpacking tent or the 3 man tent I carried to Florida. I probably should take the big tent. At least enough room to bring the bags inside. Instead of a tandem cover, I might just take some seat covers. That is the crucial part anyway.

This means I should put the date down and get serious about losing that other 8 lbs I've gained back. We should also be doing lots of rides to build up our endurance for that first 65 mile day. That will be a serious ride especially on fat tires.

Playing by the well...

I remember the smooth stones that surrounded the old well there in Oldfield. I sat on the concrete footing and sifted through the smooth creek stones that lay there. Once I found a completely flat stone. Maw told me it was a "mad stone". Something to be used in case of a dog bite. Somehow it was supposed to help if bitten by a rabid dog. Mamadesser was always worried about me playing near that old well. She must have imagined me falling through the old boards that made up the sides and falling down there to drown. Those afternoons back then felt like months. The summer days lasted so long to me. Sitting there on the cool cement playing in the cool earth was my world. Even the distance from the windlass to the cool water below seemed very far. I could stand down below the flower beds and gaze toward Bull Gap. Those hills were like a foreign land. Unreachable to my thinking. But I remember these days like that. Days before I learned to write or read or add or subtract. My whole life was just to enjoy and play. I would hear and see and do so many things for the first time. If one could go back to that time to change his future, what could be changed about that day. Would anyone trade those days of wonder and surprise for the eyes of age that grown weary of many things. Would it be good to look more deeply and drink in what you had or could one? What would you see that you haven't seen over and over. What would you talk about with those elders? What new wisdom would you learn that living hadn't already given?

First steps....

Sara called to tell me that Max took 2 steps from Grammy to her and then again from her to Nikki. These little milestones are precious. At first they take a few halting steps, then they walk, then they get into everything. Next thing you know they are grown up. It slips by so quickly. By Thanksgiving we should have the boy toddling all around Maw-Maw's.

Life Lesson....

One thing is clear to me, you can't know everything you'd like to know. You can't do everything you'd like to do. You can't read everything you'd like to read. You must hold onto some things and let go of others. Learning to make that choice is one of the big lessons of this life. Real Life Preacher

Today was a big reminder of how delicate our lives are. Our friend Lisa Baird was killed in a freak accident. No matter how well we guard our lives, there are things which can take them that we can't anticipate. I am left deeply saddened. We can all take note of the precious things in our lives and appreciate the time we have with our friends and family.

Mary Ann Radmacher...

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”

I found this quote and really appreciate the sentiment but I don't understand all the content here. I could draw my own conclusions but leaving the statements open gives more opportunity for meaning.

Health matters....

A new article raises questions about diet drinks....

So I am planning on leaving off diet soda now for an indeterminate period of time. I seem to remember reading how sweeteners can fool the body into releasing insulin which could contribute to abdominal fat or weight loss resistance. It also can lead to craving greater quantities of sweet foods especially since the body receives no calories per ingestion. Our physiology can't handle the paradox of sweet foods which have no calorie or nutritional value. It just isn't within the scope of our being. So as an experiment I am going to leave them off for as long as I can to see if it makes a difference.

I don't know...

"I don't know how long I will get to be with you, so while I have you here there is something I want you to know about what it means to have you in my life..."

I found this line in the body of a blog about how to write a love letter. The author shared her personal view about life, love, and the impermanence of each. I couldn't agree more about those points. I have a Buddhist's attitude about those things and have held those views for a very long time. But even more I have read much about the universe and our tiny, tiny place in it so that I have been forced to reconsider almost everything I've been taught about my world and our place in it.

I wonder how I could write these letters but I am interested to see how my family would finish the line. Perhaps I should give each one a sheet of paper with that line at the top and a stamped envelope so they could reply. And as each one does, I could send them my own thoughts about our relationship. Each one getting the letter without first reading what the other had said. Interesting.

Finding a balance point...

I was reading on the NPR website and found a few essays that echoed my experience. One of them contained the "50% Theory". It has been observed that we easily cling to that which supports our own beliefs so I don't want to make that error here, but without straying too far into positivism I can see how one can remain optimistic with a creed like this one yet remain sufficiently pragmatic so one can meet adversity realistically.

He wrote:

I believe in the 50-percent theory. Half the time things are better than normal; the other half, they are worse. I believe life is a pendulum swing. It takes time and experience to understand what normal is, and that gives me the perspective to deal with the surprises of the future. Steve Porter

Understanding what normal is! I can say that I still don't know what normal is. I can say that it is very different from what is was even a few years ago and radically different from what it was in my youth. That difference is in large part due to my education, or lack thereof, than anything else. The view of the world and my place in it put restrictions on my thinking so that I excluded many truths. Many truths have been revealed for the first time in recent years. As time goes on, you get a clearer picture of what "is" and see ever more clearly how ignorant we are. The best lesson isn't finding the right answers for what we once knew to be true and now realize we were hopelessly wrong. The best knowledge comes from seeing how we were fooled or self-deluded and learning logical steps to keep our minds on the right path to knowledge. It is better to have no answer than to have a false one or an answer that can't be supported by fact. We all should have a skeptical side and cultivate a scientific discipline with respect to everything.

But the non-rational part of our lives where we love and hope and feel and dream shouldn't be destroyed by the vagaries of life. Despair isn't a terminal slope, it is a sine wave. It rises and falls. Something to be endured like a rainstorm. And when sadness gives way to joy, regard it for the precious, temporary condition it is. It too will rise and fall. We might ask ourselves, "How bad does this get?" when facing some grim future. Even those balance points aren't static. There remains a hope that indeed things will cycle around to better times, and back to worse, and better...until our end. And to complicate this, not all life aspects are on the same rhythm. That may be the best balancing act of all. Finding a way to keep all the cycles from bottoming at the same time. It seems like it would help to have lots of objects in the air if you are to be a juggler in life's circus.

Remember fondly...

Mike's Grandmother passed away this past weekend. It wasn't long ago we were remembering fondly how she would prepare a squirrel and dumpling supper for us while we were out hunting on their land. We got in lots of good hunts back in there. We could come in from the day's hunt and settle down at the table. Mike's Grandfather, "Daddy Doc" would be sitting there. It was a happy scene. When I spoke to Mike the other day he mentioned how we would have to prepare our own dumplings now. He is so right. Now the time has come for us to be the Grandfathers and make our own impression in the minds of the new generations. It is my hope that my own Grandchildren can one day recall some time we had or some moment we had that will be for him a fond remembrance.

Rainy day...

This morning I awoke to the sound of steady rain. This is the first rainy day of this year. We have had an extended drought broken by a few afternoon showers. Finally we have had a restoring, deep slow rain. We didn't get to ride this morning but it was worth missing the ride to get the good rain.

We rented a carpet cleaner and tackled the floor in the front bedroom. It was messed up again! Perhaps now, once it has dried, the boys can play in there till we make it suitable for a guest room.

The supreme irony of life...

...is that hardly any of us get out alive. I don't need as many reminders of my ultimate fate as I did when I was a younger man. I rest in that spot where my life hangs like the roller-coaster that has just crested the rise and hangs there while forces gather to accelerate it down the slope. That moment when it all slows down and quiets when you hardly know whether you've begun moving but feel the lightness that preceeds the plunge.

Here comes Santa Claus...

It was an interesting week. Almost everyone was sick. Better to have it now than to deal with sick children during Christmas. David spent the night with us. Watching him sleep this morning just after daylight was so heartwarming. Little children resting in a warm comfortable place without a care in the world. That is heaven! We got him up and off to school then took all the family out to lunch. The afternoon was so mild. I wished I could be off to go bike riding. Maybe there will be a chance to get out and hike or do something in the morning. The weather is supposed to turn rainy. Even a day with temperatures in the 50's is like a heat wave after those low to mid teens we had last week.

Billy hit a few snags with the build of my bike. The derailleur didn't work and neither did the suggested replacement. We had to go with one installed over the crank arm. Maybe by tomorrow he will have it running again. I sure would like to go ride it Wednesday morning. Right now it looks like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday will be good riding mornings. I need to make sure the deer hunters aren't out in force in Hollins.

Remembering my Father....

It is difficult to believe that 22 years have passed since my Father died.I have the proof directly in front of me in the form of a Daughter age 23 who was sitting in his lap playing with his gold chain at 8 months old. Or having my baby Daughter 20 now. It seems like a long time and at the same time, a very short time. I am now 49. Dad was 49 when his cancer was found and he had surgery. It looked like he might not survive the treatment. I remember going into the SICU after he came back from surgery and seeing him lying there with so many tubes and machines and feeling so hurt. Here was my larger than life Dad who was so tiny and hurt lying there on that bed! Just the day before we had gone over to a racket club and played a set of tennis. It was his passion. Now he was lying there fighting to live. Over the next weeks he continued to lose weight and be unable to eat. I think a turning point came one weekend he and Mother came down to our house in Lanett. Bev and I had started eating lots of Bryer's Ice Cream with all the toppings. Chocolate syrup, bananas, nuts, and whipped topping. When he was offered some, he accepted and was able to eat it and keep it down. It tasted good to him and he was able to nourish himself from it. He went on to gain back weight and went on to get back playing tennis again. He looked for the world like he had beaten the odds. But it wasn't to be. He began to have some pain in his side and it turned out to be the cancer coming back with a vengance. He died on May 29th of 1984 a little less than 2 months short of his 53 birthday.

Having arrived at that time of life myself, I realize how young he was. And I realize how much was left for him to live. There is no way I can know if I will live to great age or if some accident or disease will cut it short. But if I live over the next few years and beyond, I will be living those years for the both of us. I will remind myself that each day is a gift and that there are no guarantees. I find within myself traces of him. I sense him in some of my attitudes and feelings. I am my father's son.

Happy Father's day, Dad.

The heart dies slowly...

"The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves until one day there are none. No hopes, none remain.

I went to see Memoirs of a Geisha with Bev last night. The movie was different but visually rich. The line about the slow death of the heart was so true, I had to put it down to remember. I had never thought about how hope and love are bound together. It is all these hopes we have for the people we love that hurt so much when they die. Like a neglected plant, it dies a slow death with each leaf slowly crisping and finally dropping. But will it live again.