Stinking, rotten Summer cold...

I picked up the runny nose from Nikki and the boys. Yep! I've got the crummy summertime cold. I feel like crap. I am glad I am working at the hospital while feeling like this. I don't think I could make it at Wal-Mart feeling this bad. I am debating on whether or not to do the ride with Paul tomorrow. It would be a mountain bike kind of day. Perhaps we can just do some trick riding or just go down some dirt roads. After the ride this morning, I almost couldn't get up and get going from the couch. I really just wanted to stay there.

Tomorrow is my birthday...

Bev tells me that the children are coming to the house for lunch because of my birthday. This is a surprise. It may simply be part of those feelings I've had trouble coping with but I haven't felt like my life has meant very much. It has been a point of ironic humor that my nickname is "diddlee". My own diagnosis of my problem calls for me to attempt to be positive, confident, and heroic as I attempt to remedy my emotional state. I have faced a world of disappointment over the past 6 years. It is time to let it go and move forward. Past time. There is wonder left to find in the future. There is no way to know what is waiting ahead. Now is all I have. I have to stop wasting it.

Joe called to wish me well but when he called I was occupied in the bathroom and missed it. Maybe he can call back tomorrow night. He had called the house first and spoken with Bev. I really appreciate the friendship I have with him. Of all the cousins, he is the best guy to spend time with.

Going deep....

I really feel the same feelings from the other day. Like grief. I read over my notes but can't shake the sadness. It has come over me like a fog. I just don't know how to shake it. Maybe I need to get on an antidepressant. Maybe I just need to get away for a while. I think I need to get some serious thinking done.

Talk more freely about you midlife anxieties. Have conversations with those you’re closest to about issues troubling you.

This suggestion might be the hardest for me. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I have bent the ears of my friends on family issues till I am sure they wish I'd be quiet.

Mary Ann Radmacher...

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”

I found this quote and really appreciate the sentiment but I don't understand all the content here. I could draw my own conclusions but leaving the statements open gives more opportunity for meaning.

Mid-life crisis...

I think I have found out what is going on with me lately. I must be having the old fashioned mid-life crisis. I read over some descriptions in Psychology Today and it fit right down to the ground. Funny thing is I am feeling all these things and I didn't know where it was coming from or why. These pointers included some others which included losing weight, exercise and getting checkups. I think I have those covered. Among these others, they are long on what but short on how. But some of them hit close to what my intuition was telling me. Living in the moment is essential. Books and music are therapeutic.

• Reduce stress and worry. Stress is a major source of trouble for men in midlife. Reduce stress by living life in the present, letting go of control, dealing with negative emotions and learning to prepare for what is expected and unexpected.
• Embrace a sexuality appropriate to the second half of life. Young men are often focused on a kind of sexuality that is based on immediate attraction to people. In the second half of life, sexuality expands to include more emphasis on friendship, love, intimacy and spirituality.
• Take on new challenges. To keep a supply of freshness and excitement in your life consider going back to school, writing a book or a song or learning a brand new hobby.
• Change the scenery occasionally. A change of scenery improves one’s spirit even if only for short periods of time. Attend an out-of-state conference, plan weekends of camping or boating, visit the ocean, hike in the mountains.
• Rest and leisure are important. A balance of work and relaxation is critical to one’s physical and emotional well-being.
• Talk more freely about you midlife anxieties. Have conversations with those you’re closest to about issues troubling you. While most men are unwilling to share with their wives or significant other what they really feel, over time, such conversations increase one’s understanding and love for each other. So take a risk and open up!
• Care for yourself psychologically. Music and books play significant roles in helping you relax, reduce stress or express yourself.

Health matters....

A new article raises questions about diet drinks....

So I am planning on leaving off diet soda now for an indeterminate period of time. I seem to remember reading how sweeteners can fool the body into releasing insulin which could contribute to abdominal fat or weight loss resistance. It also can lead to craving greater quantities of sweet foods especially since the body receives no calories per ingestion. Our physiology can't handle the paradox of sweet foods which have no calorie or nutritional value. It just isn't within the scope of our being. So as an experiment I am going to leave them off for as long as I can to see if it makes a difference.

I don't know...

"I don't know how long I will get to be with you, so while I have you here there is something I want you to know about what it means to have you in my life..."

I found this line in the body of a blog about how to write a love letter. The author shared her personal view about life, love, and the impermanence of each. I couldn't agree more about those points. I have a Buddhist's attitude about those things and have held those views for a very long time. But even more I have read much about the universe and our tiny, tiny place in it so that I have been forced to reconsider almost everything I've been taught about my world and our place in it.

I wonder how I could write these letters but I am interested to see how my family would finish the line. Perhaps I should give each one a sheet of paper with that line at the top and a stamped envelope so they could reply. And as each one does, I could send them my own thoughts about our relationship. Each one getting the letter without first reading what the other had said. Interesting.