Stinking, rotten Summer cold...

I picked up the runny nose from Nikki and the boys. Yep! I've got the crummy summertime cold. I feel like crap. I am glad I am working at the hospital while feeling like this. I don't think I could make it at Wal-Mart feeling this bad. I am debating on whether or not to do the ride with Paul tomorrow. It would be a mountain bike kind of day. Perhaps we can just do some trick riding or just go down some dirt roads. After the ride this morning, I almost couldn't get up and get going from the couch. I really just wanted to stay there.

Tomorrow is my birthday...

Bev tells me that the children are coming to the house for lunch because of my birthday. This is a surprise. It may simply be part of those feelings I've had trouble coping with but I haven't felt like my life has meant very much. It has been a point of ironic humor that my nickname is "diddlee". My own diagnosis of my problem calls for me to attempt to be positive, confident, and heroic as I attempt to remedy my emotional state. I have faced a world of disappointment over the past 6 years. It is time to let it go and move forward. Past time. There is wonder left to find in the future. There is no way to know what is waiting ahead. Now is all I have. I have to stop wasting it.

Joe called to wish me well but when he called I was occupied in the bathroom and missed it. Maybe he can call back tomorrow night. He had called the house first and spoken with Bev. I really appreciate the friendship I have with him. Of all the cousins, he is the best guy to spend time with.

Going deep....

I really feel the same feelings from the other day. Like grief. I read over my notes but can't shake the sadness. It has come over me like a fog. I just don't know how to shake it. Maybe I need to get on an antidepressant. Maybe I just need to get away for a while. I think I need to get some serious thinking done.

Talk more freely about you midlife anxieties. Have conversations with those you’re closest to about issues troubling you.

This suggestion might be the hardest for me. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I have bent the ears of my friends on family issues till I am sure they wish I'd be quiet.